Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
