shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
