I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
