At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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