Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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