Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
