Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
