i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
