How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line