The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
