i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.