I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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