toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
