Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
