Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
