oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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