I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
