I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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