i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
