I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize