i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
