My sheets look like a crime scene.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
