we have pet lesbian snakes
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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