No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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