I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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