Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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