I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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