remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
