I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I am morally bankrupt
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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