i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
