I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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