Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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