I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
