Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
