My first STD was from a foam party
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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