god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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