just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
