im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
