my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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