Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
