Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
