All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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