I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
