Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
