Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
