how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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