dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
