I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
