she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
