mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
