you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
mondays should just be called national damage control day
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
