it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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