i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
