So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
