I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
