it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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