I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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