3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
